Still Struggling After All These Years

Can you belive that after 35 years in ministry, I still have days when I struggle with these basic questions: What is my purpose? Do I really believe I am called by God to do what I am doing? Or did I fall into it for lack of another career path I cared about? Do I really believe in a God who calls anyone? And what DO I believe about God? These are tough, persisting questions.

Without a concept of God calling, however, I am at a loss to know why some people are good and some are evil, some are generous and some are selfish. But then that leads to the quesion of why some people respond to God's call and others not. I believe God calls everyone to do good, to act generously, or as Micah says 'to love, mercy, justice and humility.' There---I guess I did say something I believe: God calls everyone to good. Once you get that far, I suppose its the free will question. Some respond and some do not. And I do believe that some cycles of evil get handed down from generation to generation, but so do some cycles of good. Though it sometimes seems counterintuitive, I believe that good is stronger than evil; that good can break the cycles of evil.

I can sometimes see small glimpses of good that I might have done in my ministry with others. But I will probably never have a clear sense of my purpose, or my ability to affect others. I guess that's okay. I have to leave some things for God. [Big sigh.] I've never been very patient with mystery. Blessings, Marja

I Wake Up Singing

Most mornings, I wake up with a tune in my head. I have no idea how my subconscience picks the tunes. It might be a song I learned in Vacation Bible School, but it just as easily might be a pop hit from college days, or a classic hymn, or a snatch of something I can't even identify. Often, later in the day, like today, I can't even remember what tune it was I couldn't get out of my head this morning.

So does this happen to you? And do you think it is just random synapses firing? Or do you think that maybe during our dreams, God reconnects us to our past through music? I'm not going to go the route of saying that we need to be careful what kinds of music our kids are listening to [though indeed, with the rate of deafness among young adults, hearing music in their heads may be the only option left to them in 30 or so years.]

I'm not even going to propose that there is some deep meaning in the songs my brain chooses. I do, however, think it is interesting. Is my brain preparing me for something by bringing back "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam"? Or does God just want my attention? Maybe God wants us to pay attention to our lives, past, present and future. Slow down. Hum the tune. Struggle to bring back the words.

So, now I've confessed. I wake up singing. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about the joyful little dances I do in my living room or kitchen. Life is really a miracle, isn't it? We don't always get to know the why but we do get to observe the what. And that my friends is pretty remarkable, all by itself.

Go on---sing a little bit. Dance a little. And whatever you do, smile! [As it goes in the old joke, it'll drive everybody crazy.]